How to Handle: Your Own Death Note Character
by Atreyl
Summary: Congratulations! You have received your very own Death Note character! Please follow this guide on how to take care of them, and to avoid the worst case scenarios, like: an exploded body, you being shot. Enjoy!
1. L

**How to Handle: Your Own Death Note Character  
**

**I. L**

Congratulations! You have just received your very own _L_! Our super genius detective comes with:

(1) laptop

(2) sets of clothes

(1) eyebrow waxer

(1) box of assorted candies

(1) eyeliner

(1) Light doll

**A. Food**

L can be fed anything, as long as it is sweet, contains a more-than-enough amount of sugar, or preferably both. He does need to eat healthy things on occasion, though, so he stays...healthy, of course! Strawberries is just about the only thing he'll eat that's closest to being 'healthy'.

**Warning: Force feeding of other various healthy foods may be necessary.**

L also enjoys drinking coffee. He needs energy to stay awake as he solves many difficult cases. He especially enjoys coffee when there's x10 the amount of sugar a normal person would use mixed in. So, if you want to make him happy, go out to the store, buy a bucket of sugar, and dump about 10-15 spoons into the source of his insomnia.

**C. DO NOT**

These are some tips to make sure your L keeps sane, so make sure to follow them!

.The most important thing to remember is to never, ever bring up Beyond Birthday. Avoid the use of the letter(s) B, like we have above.

.Second most important thing: Do not refrain him from eating sweets for more than two(2) hours. Below is a list of withdrawal symptoms.

**..Withdrawal Symptoms:**

**...Muttering to self**

**...Hallucinations**

**...And the slight(25%) possibility of him blowing up. :)**

.Another tip is to not waste your money buying socks for L, because you're OC and think that his feet is germy(Which makes no sense, because if you're OC, how could his feet have possibly gotten germy when your floor is sparkly clean?!)

**.**Do not waste your money on mirrors for his rooms. I suggest that he be voided clear of any clear, reflective objects. He will claim to have seen BB, and his Insomnia Level will rise even higher(Level 99901).

**And, ta-da! You're all set to take care of your L. **

**Coming up next...Mello!**

**Reminder: the company is not responsible for any injuries, mentally and physically, deaths, or any other fatal event that may happen with your Death Note character. We will not accept returns or refunds.  
**


	2. Mello

**How to Handle: Your Own Death Note Character  
**

**II. Mello  
**

Congratulations! You have just received your very own _Mello_! Our genius-cocky-arrogant-chocoholic comes with:

(1) teddy bear, who he has unabashedly named Mr. Matty

(2) sack-fulls of chocolate

(2) sets of his leather attire

(1) black cotton shirt

(1) rosary

(1) Near voodoo doll

**A. Food**

Chocolate. He eats healthy, nutritional things, but barely. So, like with L, it is your responsibility to make sure Mello gets his fruits and veggies(not doing so will result in a very angry Matt hunting you down). The easiest way to get Mello to eat healthy things is to bribe him. An example of a good bribe would be to promise him twice as much chocolate next time.

**Warning: It is extremely important that you do not force feed him, or attempt to. Bribing is good, yes, force feeding, being no-no. Force feeding/attempt force feeding will result in a rather ugly scenario.**

Mello does not like anything other than chocolate.**  
**

**B. DO NOT**

These are some tips to make sure your Mello(and you) is always alive and kicking!

.The biggest, most important thing: do not doubt his gender. Unless you're a masochist, then Mello is your sadist.

.Let him catch you catch him talking to Mr. Matty

.Keep him from chocolate for more than two hours. He will experience some withdrawal symptoms, which are listed below.

**..Withdrawal symptoms include:**

**...x10 worse PMS**

**...Unusual inflating of the right eye, with simultaneous deflating of his left eye**

**...Him imploding(worse than exploding)**

**.**Try on his leather

**Note: **It does not take a genius to figure out that when Mello is in chocolate deprivation and bad PMS, his gun should be well out of reach.

**C. Strange Noises **

It's fine if it sounds as if Mello is talking to someone else. If the conversation is loud, and filled with hateful words, then he is most likely talking to his Near voodoo doll. If he is speaking in a normal voice, it is Matt. You need not to worry; this behavior is often seen and can be put up with.

It is also natural to hear...noises(i.e.: thumps, moaning, groaning...etc...) at night. This is a time when Mello is in his room, and it just basically means that a certain redhead is visiting. And that Mello missed him a little too much. But that's okay! Simply give them access to chocolate syrup and leave them be. This way, no one gets injured.

In the morning, it is also recommended that you wash Mello's sheets and replace them.

**And, ta-da! You're all set to take care of your Mello. **

**Coming up next...Matt!**

**Reminder: the company is not responsible for any injuries, mentally and physically, deaths, or any other fatal event that may happen with your Death Note character. We will not accept returns or refunds.  
**


	3. Matt

**How to Handle: Your Own Death Note Character  
**

**III. Matt  
**

Congratulations! You have just received your very own _Matt_! Our video-game-and-smoking-addict comes with:

(1) blue DS

(1) case of his favorite games

(2) packs of cigarette

(1) orange-tinted goggles

(1) lenses cleaner

(1) picture of Mello

**A. Special Message**

**If you've just received your very own Matt, then I can infer that Mello forced you into doing so, or you're a fangirl. Well, having Matt will definitely be a great help. He may be used to:**

.Feed Mello healthy things, since the blond would never think to hurt him

.Get the groceries

.Save money from buying a separate bedroom with new furniture, seeing as he can just bunk with Mello

.Make Mello do anything he wouldn't do before, basically

**He should not be used to:**

.Hack a bank and steal money

.Repair your broken toilet

.Entertain your cat(if you have one). Matt is deathly afraid of cats, although you may show him a cat at times just to torment him

**B. Food**

Unlike most of the Death Note Characters, Matt actually has normal eating habits. He will eat almost anything, except salad.

**C. DO NOT**

These are some tips to make sure your Matt(and you!) survive the night.

.Do not make fun of his goggles

.Do not take away his video games, or smokes. Withdrawal symptoms are listed below.

**..Withdrawal Symptoms:**

**...Increased sexual noises at night**

**...Strange hovering in the air**

**...Talking in binary code (**011011000110111101101100!**)**

**...The 9.28% chance of him burning to death**

.Do not disturb his and Mello's room at night. Whether it be to return his forgotten DS, or to return laundry, do not disturb them.

._Do not try to separate him from Mello by putting their rooms as far away as you could. You will either be shot, threatened to be shot, or will constantly find a redhead sneaking around at night._

**.**Do not call him 'Matty,' 'Matty-kins,' or any other pet-name when Mello can hear you.

.Don't not believe him when he admits to a household crime, like smearing the walls with chocolate. Even if it seems like Mello actually did it, Matt loves him very much and will try to take the blame.

.Do not force him to exercise

**C. Rooming**

To save yourself and Matt trouble, let Matt sleep with Mello in his room(no double meaning intended). Like you may have thought already, putting them in bedrooms as far away from each other will not work. He will just sneak out of his room when everyone(except he and Mello) are asleep. Then, before dawn arrives, he's going to have to sneak back! Guess how tired he's going to be in the morning?

_Mucho._

You don't want your Matt all tired and lazy, do you?(Even though he's already like that in general?)_  
_

**And, ta-da! You're all set to take care of your Matt. **

**Coming up next...Beyond Birthday!**

**Reminder: the company is not responsible for any injuries, mentally and physically, deaths, or any other fatal event that may happen with your Death Note character. We will not accept returns or refunds.  
**


	4. Beyond Birthday

**How to Handle: Your Own Death Note Character  
**

**IV. Beyond Birthday**

**!  
**

**WARNING: READ FIRST  
**

** Before you open BB's container, make sure that your L(if you own one) is very far away. BB will most likely try to rape our poor detective. This is always the same for their bedroom placement: try to make their rooms as far away from each other. Unlike with Matt and Mello, this will actually work, as long as L's room is triple-locked.**

**!  
**

Congratulations! You have just received your very own _Beyond Birthday_! Our L-look-alike comes with:

(2) sets of L's outfit, with blood stains

(3) pairs of contact lenses

(1) jar of strawberry jam

(1) stuffed panda bear he has promptly named L

(1) fire extinguisher(just in case)

(1) medium-sized case filled with various knives

**A. Food**

If you already have gotten L, then BB will be easy to take care of. He follows in L's footsteps, so he will eat anything as long as he sees that L can eat it, too. His favorite food is strawberry jam. Force feeding may work, and the chance of it working is high in the morning, or at night. BB prefers to eat his jam in the afternoon, and that's when he's most stubborn.

There may be times where he'll request a lollipop, and it's perfectly fine to give it to him. He will do nothing harmful with it, and only try to seduce L by licking the lollipop in a...very...suggestive...way...

**B. Privacy  
**

BB is very sensitive about his privacy. He does not like to be walked in on when he is practicing his laugh. The first few days he is at his new home, you will often spot him doing some renovations with his door. Leave him be, if you value your arteries. He is simply modifying his 'security' system with a flamethrower that will burn anyone who tries to break in. (And you thought Light's exploding drawer was a little too paranoid.)

Needless to say, BB has some things that he treasures in there, like his knife collection. He does not like them being touched, so we advise that you stay away from having to clean BB's room. You may tell Matt to do it, because BB won't hurt our ever-so-lovable redhead. They're quite close friends, although you will have to make sure that Matt doesn't spend too much time with BB. Mello could get a little jealous, which'll drive him to kill BB, which will leave a quite angry Matt(he lost one of his few friends!), who will piss Mello off so much that Mello will shoot him, then L will come over to see what's going on, and out of rage, Mello will shoot him, too. And after realizing what he'd just done, Mello will kill himself. And then you will--

Okay, you get the idea, right?

**C. DO NOT**

These are some tips to make sure that BB stays all right, and you(and the rest of the Death Note characters) maintain their healthy being.

.Do not restrict him from seeing L completely. Your poor BB will go insane!

.Offer to wash off his blood stained clothes

.Disturb him when he's pretending to be a corpse

.Take away his panda plushie. NEVER EVER DO THIS

**D. Some Good News!  
**

Surprising as it seems, BB is not as attached to jam as L is to sweets, nor Mello is to chocolate. He can go perfectly fine without jam for a fairly long period of time, and withdrawal symptoms will not occur.

And who said having BB was a great nuisance? :D

**And, ta-da! You're all set to take care of your Beyond Birthday. **

**Coming up next...Near!**

**Reminder: the company is not responsible for any injuries, mentally and physically, deaths, or any other fatal event that may happen with your Death Note character. We will not accept returns or refunds.  
**


	5. Near

**How to Handle: Your Own Death Note Character  
**

**V. Near  
**

Congratulations! You have just received your very own _Near! _Our albino-that-looks-like-a-sheep comes with:

(2) sets of white, clean pajamas

(1) Transformers toy

(1) Stuffed bunny named Mr. Cottontail

(2) 1000-piece jigsaw puzzles

(1) pack of rubber duckies

**A. Food**

Thankfully, Near eats normally, also. He doesn't particularly like the taste of sweets, but has learned to endure it after years of Mello threatening to shove a lollipop down his throat. Better to be safe than sorry, he says.

**B. Relationships with Others  
**

Mello: Needless to say, Mello hates him and will try to harass him as much as he can. Near does not hate Mello in return, and instead responds to Mello's hatred as an emotionless brick wall.

L: Near admires L and shows this more subtly than Mello does. He does not sniff L's hair when L is in the middle of a mini-nap, unlike a certain blond bombshell.

Matt: Near is acquaintances with our redhead. They would probably become better friends, although Matt knows very well that Mello would not be happy with that. But Near does not seem to care about Mello's reaction, or anything else, as a matter of fact, so he sometimes invites Matt to work on puzzles with him.

Light: Near is angry and resentful towards the brunette. He may show signs of dislike, which is perfectly natural.

Misa: Near has a headache.

Beyond Birthday: Near is frightened.

Based on this, Near is fine around L and Matt. If you want to make him happy, place him in a room near those two and quite far away from the others. He greatly appreciates it.

**C. DO NOT**

In order to make sure that Near is a healthy sheep and not a dead, bloody sheep(Mello laughs), follow these tips!

.Do not leave him alone in a room with Mello, especially when the blond is PMSing

.Do not let Misa speak with him for long periods of time. His poor, white-haired head will explode, or worse: **implode.**

.Do not use BB's knives to cut holes in his rubber duckies' chests and let them deflate. Near will be forever depressed.

**D. Scenarios**

If you ever see these scenarios occurring, or about to, STOP IT IMMEDIATELY:

**i. Scenario One**

Near: Mello, would you like to work together on our health project?

Mello: Why the hell should I, sheep?

Near: Don't you want to get the best grade possible.

Mello: _(pauses, then grins evilly) _Okay, sure! Wanna go somewhere where no one will hear you screaming as you die a slow and--I mean, uh, where no one can disturb us?

**ii. Scenario Two**

Near: Matt, may I ask you something?

Matt: Eh?

Near: Mello threatened me yet again earlier, and I find his threat quite peculiar. May I ask what he means when he'll 'rip my sex organ off and shove it into my prostate?' _(truly doesn't know)_

Matt: _(cigarette falls from lips in shock)_

**iii. Scenario Three**

Near: L?

L: Yes, Near?

Near: _(stares at BB, who is licking a lollipop deliberately slowly) _What is Beyond doing?

L: _(looks up, then scratches head awkwardly) _Um, well, you see, Near...

As you can see, it is very important that you stop these events, shall they occur. We'd like to prolong Near's innocence.

**And, ta-da! You're all set to take care of your Near!  
**

**Coming up next...Light!**

**Reminder: the company is not responsible for any injuries, mentally and physically, deaths, or any other fatal event that may happen with your Death Note character. We will not accept returns or refunds.  
**


	6. Light

**How to Handle: Your Own Death Note Character  
**

**VI. Light  
**

Congratulations! You have just received your very own _Light! _Our power-hungry-potato chip-eating-brunette comes with:

(1) bag of chips

(2) sets of brown tuxedos

(1) fake Death Note notebook

(1) panda plushie

(1) Mello voodoo doll

(1) Matt voodoo doll

(1) Near voodoo doll

(1) Misa voodoo doll

(1) Ryuk voodoo doll

(1) Matsuda voodoo doll

(1) BB voodoo doll

**A. Food**

I'm happy to tell you that Light eats normally, also! He does, though, have a strange fetish for potato chips, but is not obsessed with it. Three cheers for normal eating habits!

**B. Voodoo Dolls**

As you may have seen, Light owns a rather large collection of voodoo dolls. This is because he wants to appear calm and collected, so he takes his anger out on the dolls when no one is around. If you are wondering why he has voodoo dolls of specific people, here are the reasons:

Mello: Light utterly despises him for ruining his perfect plan. And, he's plain jealous of his gorgeous hair.

Matt: Light hates him, too, because Matt helped Mello ruin his perfect plan.

Near: Light hates him for being a smart-ass and revealing that Light was Kira.

Misa: Light does not hate her, she is useful. But she gives him migraines.

Ryuk: This Shinigami killed him in canon, duh.

Matsuda: ...This guy shot him.

BB: Light has seen fanfiction. He knows about the BBxL fandom. And he does not like it.

**C. DO NOT**

These tips will ensure that Light is content and will not have to get out the _real _Death Note and go back to being Kira(he is now currently retired and has a nice relationship with L):

.Do not take away his fake Death Note. Having the real one being taken away by L was bad enough.

.Do not tell him that you like L better.

.Do not tell him that you prefer BBxL.

.Do not tell him that you like it better when L is seme.

.Do not take away his potato chips.

.Do not disturb him when he is venting his anger on his various dolls.

**D. His Problem with BB**

As some may have already predicted, Light has a huge rivalry issue with BB. It's larger than his previous rivalry with anyone, even with L. Though we're sure that BB can defend himself if Light takes action, we'll still list some tips on preventing a bloodshed:

.Limit BB's public-lollipop-licking when he's in the same room as Light

.Try to keep Matt and Mello from discussing about how Light is totally undeserving of L and that L should totally get together with BB instead(this will result in three dead bodies)

.Quadruple-lock L's room, since Light is already aware that BB sometimes sneaks into his boyfriend's room

.The most important thing is to probably **NEVER EVER** let Mello color in Light's panda plushie's eyes red

**And, ta-da! You're all set to take care of your Light!  
**

**Coming up next...Misa!**

**Reminder: the company is not responsible for any injuries, mentally and physically, deaths, or any other fatal event that may happen with your Death Note character. We will not accept returns or refunds.  
**


	7. Misa

**How to Handle: Your Own Death Note Character  
**

**VII. Misa  
**

Congratulations! You have just received your very own _Misa! _Our Second-Kira-Light-fan-model comes with:

(2) ponytails

(1) make-up set

(1) Light plushie

(1) photo album filled with pictures of herself(vanity, we tell you!) and the occasional Light

(2) pairs of earrings that suspiciously flash red every five seconds

**Note:** Without Misa's knowing, Rem has placed a miniature tracking device in one of her pairs of earrings. Now that you now this piece of information, please keep your trap shut or we'll sic one of the violent Death note characters after you. :)

**A. Food**

Misa, out of all the Death Note characters, is by far the most healthiest. She keeps a strict diet for two reasons:

1) She wants to look good for Light

2) Rem has banned her from eating unhealthily, telling her that she could die for whatever reason unknown

**B. Light  
**

Misa has been on fanfiction and, amazingly, she has read a few...LightxL stories. She showed great distaste at first, because Light was _hers_! Then, she just realized how _silly _that pairing was, because obviously, Light loves her lots and lots.(Yes, she is oblivious that L and Light are together.)

Now, she has convinced herself that the pairing is not happening and never will. But, secretly, she's a huge LxLight fan.

**C. DO NOT**

These tips will make sure that Misa stays intact and Rem doesn't do anything harmful to you out of fury!

.Do not let her see L and Light in one of their 'passionate moments'. This will result in her getting angry and asking Rem to kill L. Or, she'd just take out her Death Note and write L's name down. Either way, the result is pretty ugly, so make sure this never happens.

.Do not 'mistake' her Light doll for a Light voodoo doll meant for venting anger out on.

.Do not speak badly of Light around her.

.Do not tell her she's Mello, Girl Version. She will give you a speech. _This _specific speech: "_Him? I _look like _him? _Goodness, what the h*ll hit _you _in the head? Cannot you see that I am more _divine _than that blond son of a b_*_tch?! Light can attest to that! Oh, he's not here? Well, let's try this: I'll put some makeup on, and I'll put some makeup on the blond devil, and we'll get Matt to decide who's cuter. AND IT WILL BE ME. I learned about what he said about me when he spied on me. He called me cute! And, psh, who'd find _Mello _cute? I mean, _god!_ Would you prefer some _this _or some of that icky sh*t? Let's be serious, people!"

..A tip on a tip: after Mello and Misa are all 'dolled up,' and Matt is trying to decide whether he values his life(not choosing Misa) or his sexual organ(not choosing Mello), calmly get BB to storm in with his knives. Oh, and add some jam dripping down his chin. Misa is somewhat frightened by our raven-haired jam lover.

**And, ta-da! You're all set to take care of your Misa!  
**

**Congrats! You know have mastered the basics, but are you ready to maintain your characters? If not, stay tuned for How to Maintain: Your Death Note Character, and in no time, taking care of your characters will be a piece of cake!**

**Reminder: the company is not responsible for any injuries, mentally and physically, deaths, or any other fatal event that may happen with your Death Note character. We will not accept returns or refunds.  
**


End file.
